#4: Black Leaders

The Civil Rights Movement was the crowning moment for Black Americans in their struggle for equality.  As a result, Black people have a never-ending love affair with Martin Luther King, Malcom X, and Rosa Parks. You see, black people, more than most other groups, have a need for leaders.

 As a black person, Martin Luther King holds a place in White America’s heart matched only by Oprah, Michael Jordan, and Tiger Woods. His feats are so grand, so courageous, and so respected that not even haters [see post 3] will speak ill of him. What other black man has an entire day dedicated to him? Granted, Virginia tried to celebrate two Confederate war leaders on the same day, but at least he was one 1/3 of the party.

 Black people love Martin Luther King and Malcolm X so much, in every urban area they petition their local governments to name streets in their honor.   Politicians oblige by allowing only the finest neighborhoods to bear their names, ensuring that these men’s legacies lives on. Yes, black residents on every MLK avenue, street, and boulevard give his name the proper respect by littering the sidewalks with violence, drugs, prostitution, guns, underage pregnancy, and liquor stores on every corner–all things the Reverend fought and died to uphold (or was that Biggie?)

However, since Malcolm and Martin’s untimely deaths, there have been no competent black leaders to replace them.  King was the 60′s Barack Obama. He was the “good black man” yet he still encouraged Blacks to stand up for their rights and not sit in complacency. Malcolm was a rogue leader, frightening to Whites but able to move his people to action. After their assassinations, Blacks were left with a loud fat man with bad hair (Sharpton), an angry, blatant racist (Farrakhan),  and a rhyming gimmicky perpetrator of fraud (Jesse Jackson) to represent the community. The results have not been all that compelling.

 Most black people hate the new options, but see no better alternative . Black Code says it is impossible for a black neighborhood to rally change from within, so they sit and watch their communities crumble, grumble about the White man doing nothing to help them, and snicker when Sharpton makes another press conference in the name of the black race. 

Should you ever engage in conversation with Blacks about great leaders, always bring up Martin Luther King. No matter how upstanding or delinquent the group may be, they will all smile and nod in agreement as you sing his praises. Bringing up the Great Black Hope (Obama) is also a good bet.

If you really want to impress, compliment Malcolm X or Huey Newton for their passion and dedication. Say you completely understand their anger towards the Man .  Saying “By any means necessary” is a plus.  Be careful here, though–some suburban Blacks are more protective over White people than White people themselves. These kinds of Black people don’t like revolutionary Black leaders. If the Blacks you’re with have less Black friends than you, don’t pull this card.

#3: Calling people haters

Your boss. Your mother-in-law. Your cousins. A teacher. Friends. Associates.

The existence of these people means that inevitably, we all will have to deal with someone’s criticism. Black people, however, have created an ingenious addition to their lexicon to circumvent this. This word is called “hater”.

Black people love calling out haters. “Hater” originally defined someone who would constantly critique another person and their accomplishment simply because they were envious. A hater was someone who could find a flaw in Mother Theresa. A hater could turn their nose up at cancer patients in the pediatric ward. A hater will take the time to show up at an award show just to heckle all the winners.

Black people love the spotlight [future post], so whenever one of their peers gets recognition that they do not, they are afflicted with a condition that causes them to drown themselves in a pool of Haterade. To combat these poor diseased souls, other Blacks will scream “Hater” from a mountaintop to warn the masses that an infected specimen is on the prowl.

Recently, however “hater” has been used across the board to define anyone who may disagree or challenge anyone’s actions. Don’t like his t-shirt? You’re a hater. Think she should act more responsibly around her kids? Hater again. Just plain don’t like the person because they suck? Rest assured you will be given “big ups” on their Myspace page.

This newly born creation of hateration deems accountability to other people completely unnecessary. Instead of worrying over their public image, they can dismiss anything uncomplimentary that is said about them. In this way, nothing you or I say about them will make a dent in their sense of self-importance and/or righteousness.

Today, it is a source of pride to have an entire flock of haters on your resume. Much like the alpha male’s presumption that “if you don’t like me, you must be gay,” black people think “If you don’t like me, you must be a hater.” It is an impenetrable armor to their egos.

Should you ever need to address a problematic issue with a Black person, DO NOT bring the problem to their attention. Your criticism will only put them on the defensive, and your comments will fall by the wayside. Instead, constantly praise the act that you despise, especially when in front of a group of Blacks. Being universally embraced by Whites is seen as a hit to their street creed, and will result in them ceasing the action at hand.

#2: Audience Participation

Have you ever sat at the movies, trying to enjoy the latest Die Hard/Star Wars/Lord of the Rings installation, when your soon-to-be favorite movie was ruined by the sole group of Black people in the theater? If you were dumb enough to confront the rowdy group, you were not-so-pleasantly surprised to be on the receiving end of scowls and/or constant heckling throughout the rest of the show.

Why is this, you ask? Because black people love audience participation.

Black people like to be heard. Centuries of having their voices withheld by White society have led to them acting out in the most formal of events. Even those who know enough to stay quiet during predominantly White events will change their colors when around their fellow Black people. So have it in your mind to expect people start shouting right at the pivotal point of a show, preventing you from hearing anything that’s going on.

If they miss anything while making their ruckus, they can just ask the person in the next row what happened [thereby ruining the viewing experience for yet another unsuspecting soul].

This philosophy applies to concerts, as well. There is a direct correlation to the amount of audience participation and the success of the concert– the less the artist has to sing himself, the more they enjoy the show. It is written in Black Code that in order to be a successful musician, you must constantly have the crowd sing your lyrics for you while holding the mic out and raising one hand to your ear.

Should you ever attend a black event with friends, be sure to match the amount of noise the Black spectator next to you is making. They will look at you as the cool white guy and probably invite you to future events. But take care to not draw undue attention to yourself–an awkward lone outburst will invite humiliation, and black people love to harass White people at black events [future post].

Note: Sometimes when White people are overly enthusiastic at these events, this leads to Blacks gaining trust and respect for them. But beware, you will have to embarrass yourself thoroughly before the ridicule turns into anything positive. And they will always regard you as the crazy white guy, not as one of them.

#1: Good Hair

Almost every culture celebrates a long mane of hair, and black people are no different. However, Black people are different in that they most value a texture of hair that is completely opposite of their own.

Blacks have the most unique hair in the world, in that their hair is thick and often a bit coarse. This allows them to do many different things with their hair that White people may try, but fail miserably at wearing (dreadlocks, cornrows, braids, afros).

But Blacks have found that wearing these styles in the workplace makes White people feel threatened. To fix this, for decades their brightest scientists have worked furiously to create products that can induce the straight, silky hair texture of White America. In fact, most Black women will endure fiery burning, itching, and risk going bald every 6 weeks in order to achieve this texture.

However, many Black people’s hair just will not cooperate, even with straightening and chemicals. This has led to their obsession with so-called “good hair”.

Having good hair essentially means that a black person has another ethnic background which contributes to the silkiness of his or her hair [this explains the onslaught of black people claiming they have Indian in their family]. Black people secretly love interracial unions because the children are almost always blessed with the “most good” hair. They prefer a union of Black and Latino, but even a Black and White mixture will result in a child that everyone adores for their silky locks .

However, White people should not be mistaken in the belief that their hair is “the good hair”. Only Latinos or Black + Ethnicity apply in this category. Black people will not allow themselves to covet 100% Caucasian-grade hair.

Should you ever be out with Black friends who don’t have this good hair and you want to appear “down”, it is important that you do not touch their hair or comment on its texture. While you may see this as a compliment, it only exposes how rarely you have hung out with black people. In some cases, your fascination will be seen as m0re of an insult.

Note: People with normal black hair can also be considered to have “good hair” as long as it is manageable (a small toothed comb can be run through it easily) and past the shoulders. Those who have gone natural and grown afros or dreadlocks will also be admired by the Black community, although few will follow in their footsteps.