#3: Calling people haters

Your boss. Your mother-in-law. Your cousins. A teacher. Friends. Associates.

The existence of these people means that inevitably, we all will have to deal with someone’s criticism. Black people, however, have created an ingenious addition to their lexicon to circumvent this. This word is called “hater”.

Black people love calling out haters. “Hater” originally defined someone who would constantly critique another person and their accomplishment simply because they were envious. A hater was someone who could find a flaw in Mother Theresa. A hater could turn their nose up at cancer patients in the pediatric ward. A hater will take the time to show up at an award show just to heckle all the winners.

Black people love the spotlight [future post], so whenever one of their peers gets recognition that they do not, they are afflicted with a condition that causes them to drown themselves in a pool of Haterade. To combat these poor diseased souls, other Blacks will scream “Hater” from a mountaintop to warn the masses that an infected specimen is on the prowl.

Recently, however “hater” has been used across the board to define anyone who may disagree or challenge anyone’s actions. Don’t like his t-shirt? You’re a hater. Think she should act more responsibly around her kids? Hater again. Just plain don’t like the person because they suck? Rest assured you will be given “big ups” on their Myspace page.

This newly born creation of hateration deems accountability to other people completely unnecessary. Instead of worrying over their public image, they can dismiss anything uncomplimentary that is said about them. In this way, nothing you or I say about them will make a dent in their sense of self-importance and/or righteousness.

Today, it is a source of pride to have an entire flock of haters on your resume. Much like the alpha male’s presumption that “if you don’t like me, you must be gay,” black people think “If you don’t like me, you must be a hater.” It is an impenetrable armor to their egos.

Should you ever need to address a problematic issue with a Black person, DO NOT bring the problem to their attention. Your criticism will only put them on the defensive, and your comments will fall by the wayside. Instead, constantly praise the act that you despise, especially when in front of a group of Blacks. Being universally embraced by Whites is seen as a hit to their street creed, and will result in them ceasing the action at hand.